Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Indulge Me!

The Catholic church is once again giving indulgences! This means you can shave off some of your time in Purgatory. Yes, even after Catholics confess their sins and are absolved, they still have to spend some time in Purgatory before they can get into Heaven. I'd like to think that Purgatory is the equivalent of the mud room: you wipe your feet, hang up your wet coat, stow your umbrella and now you're ready to go into The House. But my Catholic friends say it is much worse.

Full disclosure: my Catholic friends don't even believe in Purgatory. But for those who do, indulgences are a great thing.

But what about us Protestants? We have our own Purgatories, you know: sitting next to someone yakking on a cellphone; talking to a guy with corn in his teeth; preachers who use football analogies in their sermons; baby showers; feeling fat; feeling unfit; feeling a fart in the dentist's chair; head cheese; headaches, Cheese Heads and big toes blisters when you're only half-way there. And these are just a few!

But now, for a limited time only, I'm offering indulgences. (I can do this because I'm ordained! In a real church!) Comment on this blog and you'll receive a pass to avoid any of the above mentioned and any of your own Personal Purgatories!

Just imagine going through your day and not having to enter Purgatory once! You'll thank me for it and all your friends will be amazed. For the low, low price of one comment.

Void where prohibited.


~ said...

I sometimes think Costco is the earth version of purgatory...in fact I'd swear to it.

I kept looking at your red hat and thinking "lobster or devil, lobster or devil?"


Since you're offering indulgences, does this mean from now on you'll be doing my Costco shopping? In that case, I'll take a large bag of coffee beans and a twirl chocolate/vanilla frozen yogurt when you leave.


Janice said...

Wow! That was easy! Thanks I needed that!

Debra Jarvis said...

It's secretly a lobster, but I felt like a devil in it. And no, I can't go to Costco for you. It just means that your next Costco experience won't be hellacious!

Jim Barker said...

Purgatory! The word conjures up such memories for me – it was a staple of my catholic upbringing. Your blog entry inspired me to look up the official doctrine on the topic, and now I realize that the idea is to purify all that enter heaven (sure – why not a wave of sage smoke, or a healing by an angel?) In it’s application, however, the nuns would describe people suffering in purgatory for a very long time before they were allowed entry to heaven; like a mini hell for the less-than-dammed. We had a prayer we would say, “May the souls of the faithful departed rest in peace, Amen.” My 5th grade teacher, Sr. Mary Timothy, told us that each time we prayed that prayer, it lessened a person’s stay in purgatory, and that if our prayer was the one that set them free, we could be sure they would pray us out of purgatory when we got there. At that time I was starting to feel more and more worried about some “unclean thoughts” I was having, and was certain that purgatory had an advanced reservation with my name on it, so I prayed that prayer all the time! These days, I am completely with you on the idea that we create all of our own personal purgatories.

So – the Indulgence I am requesting for these days? Please Reverend – save me from my personal purgatory of inconsiderate and asinine drivers, and pray that I am not one of those I am trying to save myself from.

Brooke said...

"I'm ordained! In a real church!" And I'm hearing echoes of "I have a masters degree! In science!"
I don't think the offer is prohibited in Bothell, so I'm commenting:
As usual, you're a hoot! And I'm missing you...

NMPhotog said...

Have you changed dentists? Poor thing.

I came to the comment area wanting indulgences, whatever that is, and believing my sense of purgatory was unique. But, as I read the comments of others I discover, not so.

Costco, YES! That is purgatory...parking lot AND store. Has Costco shopping become a timed event and I just never got the notice? I could be damned solely for my thoughts about fellow Costco shoppers.

And driving! YES! I join Jim in hoping I am not one of them, the Assholians, but I fear, on any given outing I am just a car length away from being a jerk.

As I write I am realizing that, like Catholics, we Southern Baptists had a healthy, daily dose of guilt.

In closing, whatever you are handing out, count me in.

Love all 3 of you - Sure wish we could do tea/coffee. Gary Lindsey