Crazy Rich White People

From August 29, 2008

Today we continue our discussion of fashion, moving on from Crabby Rich White People to Crazy Rich White People. Please see the photo above.

As matriarch, we have the still attractive Lauren Hutton, she of the gap-toothed smile. Her clothes say what she’s thinking, “I’m comfortable with who I am—especially since they upped my Wellbutrin.” She is looking with great fondness at a miniature pony.

Behind her is her husband who is cooking corn and lobster on the grill. Clearly he works out. There is a big bag of charcoal near the grill which leads us to the obvious conclusion: the pony is next.

Two of Lauren’s grandchildren are wearing fairy princess dresses with wings. We can only hope they are her granddaughters because God help them if they are her grandsons. But that is not what makes them crazy—way over on the right is a kid with a trumpet. (Oh, sorry--he got cut off) Have they lost their minds? You’re giving a six year-old a trumpet? Why don’t you just give him a Howitzer?

The real mystery is the kid in the foreground with the black T-shirt and red devil horns. Is he the bastard son of one of those dudes in the back? Or of the patriarch??! Quelle horreur! Maybe he’s just one of those lonely kids from a neighboring estate whose parents are into Satan worship.

The fairy princess with the knitted Thug Hat is sitting on her mother’s lap. Clearly her mother is looking enviously at the pony’s bangs and thinking, “Oh, crap, I wish I’d had my highlights done.”

And you probably didn’t know this (how could you?) but that same woman always has a child or a dog or someone on her lap when she is being photographed because (I hope you’re sitting down) her hips and thighs are enormous. Seriously. Had all those kids and the weight just shifted. Pretty face—but truth be told, she’s built like a bass. (The musical instrument in front of which she is sitting—not the fish.)

And since I mentioned it—why does anybody but professional burglars and perhaps people who work on boats in freezing cold wear Thug Hats which I believe are also called Watch Caps? The only way they could be more unattractive is if the Thug Hat is way too big and then folds over and you look like one of the Seven Dwarfs. It’s a Fashion Don’t in my book.

Also—I have to ask—where are the black people? Are there no crabby or crazy rich black people? What about Michelle and Barack Obama? I’m not saying they are crabby or crazy, but I bet they are at times. Who isn’t? But I am saying they are rich. My prediction: after he is elected, we’ll see ads with more black people. You read it here first.

In fact, there was no one of color in Vogue. Honestly, I turned up ONE ad in Vogue with a black woman and she was with a white woman advertising Payless shoes! Those are cheap shoes!

So ends the lesson for today.